Advanced English Dictionary of Nigeria
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| Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash |
A.
ABOKI. Original meaning unknown. Every Hausa man is an Aboki.
ABROAD. Wonderland. All dreams come through there.
ACCIDENT. Only collision involving vehicles.
ACTRESS. All are sex workers. Always in messy marriages. Can never settle down with a man.
AFRICANS. All are wicked.
ALCHOLISM. Always a spiritual attack. Never an addiction.
ANGEL. To be hurriedly spelt as ANGLE in a pretty lady's DM.
ANTICHRIST. Obama, Lil Nas X, Michael Jackson, etc.
ARTS. For students who can't cope in Science class. The least dull among them study Law.
ASHEWO. Any lady who turned down your advances.
ATHEISM. A religion. Sign of smartness.
ATHEISTS. Stopped believing in God after terrible experiences. God haters. Satan worshippers. See RELIGIOUS.
B.
BAD. Books you can't understand are bad. For one: Soyinka's.
BALABLU. Short for balablu-blublu-bulaba. Meaning unknown. To be said at campaigns by a presidential candidate.
BALDNESS. Caused by too much wisdom. Sign of intelligence.
BEARD. Manliness. Men without it are boys.
BEAUTY. Associated with mami wata. All pretty ladies are mami wata. Or at least angels.
BEER. The only cause of pot belly.
BESTIES. Sex mates.
BITTER. All things bitter are medicinal.
BITTER LEAF. Heals all diseases.
BOOKS. “Nobody reads anymore.”
BRAZILIANS. Do no other thing beside football and Samba. Good footballers. Good dancers.
BUHARI. See JOBS.
C.
CALABAR, PEOPLE OF. Human eaters. Bloody cannibals.
CARBON COPY. A child who resembles their parent.
CASSAVA. To be eaten by NYSC members who shall fight alongside the army. See CORN.
CATHOLICS. Idol worshippers.
CEO. Everyone selling something in a WhatsApp DM is a CEO.
CHEWING GUM. Eaten only by sex workers. Induces insomnia.
CHURCH. A for-profit organization.
CHILDREN. Leaders of tomorrow. Under no circumstances should there be any workable plan for them.
CHINESE, PEOPLE. From rats to cockroaches, they eat all animals and insects.
CHRISTIANITY. One true religion. Declare, yet, that it is not a religion.
CHRISTIANS. Those who believe in Christ and are morally upright. Those who are not morally upright, even if they’re pastors, are not. See EX-CHRISTIANS.
CLIENTS. Victims of yahoo boys.
CLOSE UP. All toothpaste are Close Ups.
CONNECTION. God’s Grace. When you are admitted into a reputable university based on the network of influential people you know, say it’s God’s grace.
CONSTITUTION. Some pamphlets only of interest to lawyers and Law students.
CORN. To be bought and eaten on the streets by political aspirants a few months before election. To be eaten, too, by NYSC members who shall fight alongside the army.
CRISIS. “A life without Christ is full of crises.”
D.
DATE. A meal at a fine restaurant.
DEMOCRACY. A topic in Government or Civic Education.
DEPRESSION. A spiritual attack. Can only be healed if you're born again.
DEVIL. From petty thievery to natural disasters, all evils should be ascribed to him, and all crimes blamed on him.
DICTIONARY. Anyone who speaks big words is a walking dictionary.
DISCIPLES. Only the twelve disciples: Peter, John, and co.
DISCOMBOBULATION. An empty word. Used to get uneducated grassroots citizens interested in your run for a political office.
DISORDER, MENTAL. Non-existent.
DRESS. Address people the way they are dressed.
DUBAI. A city where rich people go to shop or vacation. No houses there. Only supermarkets, resorts, hotels. No citizens. Only attendants.
E.
EARWAX. Cures boils.
EDUCATION. Certificate.
ESU. Satan.
EX-CHRISTIANS. Never really were Christians.
EXPERIENCE. “Experience is the best teacher.”
F.
FACEBOOK. Outdated. Sign of underexposure.
FAINT. Faint whenever you're called to account for money in your care.
FELA. Either you never talk about his misogyny or you publicly celebrate it.
FELLOW. Always learned.
FEMINISM. Alien to African culture. Can never work here.
FEMINISTS. Ladies who hate men.
FRENCH. Announce how romantic a language it is.
FULANI. Love their cows more than their children.
FUJI. To be looked down on. Lots of the downtrodden masses. Educated people don't listen to it. Going extinct.
G.
GHANA MUST GO. A cheap traveling sack.
GRAMMAR. Big words.
GALA. Any sausage roll packaged in nylon wrappings.
GAY. People trying to emulate white folks. Besides sex they do nothing.
GEN Z. Rebels. A bunch of spoilt 12-year-olds.
GLASSES. Worn only by intelligent people. Sign of intelligence.
GODFATHERS. Only politicians who are political fathers to other politicians.
GOODLUCK. As a president, decide who your citizens, who are consenting adults, should love, the gender they must get married to.
GOYA OIL. Anointing oil. Heals every disease.
GUNMEN. Always “unknown.” Sometimes said as: “Ungun known men.”
GROUNDNUT. Causes pimples.
H.
HATER. Anyone not in support of the bad things you do.
HANDWRITING. All intelligent people have bad handwriting. A doctor’s must be bad.
HORN. Used to summon Gala and soft drinks hawkers in traffic or greet acquaintances.
HOMOSEXUALITY. Un-African. Greatest of all immoralities. Angers God the most. As a Christian, say it is a choice. Then equate it with bestiality and paedophilia. See FEMINISM.
HOSPITAL. To be visited only in critical conditions. Or when the assorted drugs from the chemist’s shop down the road are no longer effective. Never for a check-up.
HULLABALOO. See DISCOMBOBULATION.
HUSBAND. Usually prefixed with “good.” Any man that can last five hours and can afford a million dollar bride price.
I.
IGBO. Love money more than anything.
IJEBU, PEOPLE OF. A stingy Yoruba ethnic subgroup.
ILLUMINATI. Every celebrity belongs.
INDIANS. Worship cows. Once beat the Super Eagles 99-0 at a World Cup match.
iPHONE. Look down on those who don’t use it.
ISRAEL. A Christian country.
J.
JERUSALEM. Holy and pure city. No one lives there beside pilgrims.
JOBS. To be created only when the youths behave well. “Behave well if you want jobs.”
JOLLOF RICE. Argue that Nigerian jollof is better than Ghanaian. Never mind you haven't tasted Ghanaian jollof.
K.
KALEIDOSCOPE. Meaning unknown.
L.
LADIES. “Ladies first.”
LAGOS. Look down on anyone who doesn’t live there.
LAW. Again: only of interest to lawyers and Law students. The only course Arts students should study.
LAW, THE. Lawyers and Law students should be called “The Law.”
LEFT-HANDED. Smarter than right-handers.
LEFT-FOOTED. Better footballers than right-footers.
LIBRARY. Every well-read person is a walking library.
M.
MALTINA. Good blood tonic when mixed with milk.
MECCA. See JERUSALEM.
MEN. All men should be emotionless.
MODEL. Must be slender.
MONEY. “What money cannot do more money will do.”
MONKEY. Eats money.
MACLEANS. See CLOSE UP.
MISOGYNY. Non-existent. Mention passionately how nobody hates women.
MUSE. Wives or girlfriends of artists, poets, singers, etc.
MUSLIMS. Terrorists. For one: Boko Haram. As a Muslim, declare that you understand the Bible than Christians.
N.
NNA. To be said as “INA.” Parent to every Igbo youth. All are “omo Inas.”
NIGBATI-NIGBATI. Yoruba people.
NIGERIA. A joke.
NOBEL. Prize for writers. Only Soyinka has won it so far.
NORTHERNERS. Hausas and Fulanis. Maybe Nupes, too. All Muslims. Almost all uneducated.
NOVELS. Not to be read except for exams. Summaries are better. Better still, watch their film adaptations.
O.
OLD. Synonym for WISE. Every old person is wise.
P.
PAINTERS. Only people who paint walls and buildings.
POLITICIANS. Curse them behind their backs, dignify them in their presence, secretly aspire to be them.
PARIS. City of romance and love.
PERFUME. To be sprayed on your shirt.
PONMO. Sign of poverty. Contains no nutrient.
POETRY. Absolutely incomprehensible.
POTBELLY. Sign of good living. See BEER.
POVERTY. A spiritual attack.
PRIDE. “Pride comes before destruction.”
PROVERB. Said to back up whatever wrong you’ve committed.
PSYCHOSIS. Always a spiritual attack. Never a mental disorder.
Q.
QUR'AN. Available only in Arabic.
R.
RAINCHECK. Check the weather for rain whenever someone says “rain check.”
RAPE. Caused by indecent dressing. If it happened at the rapists' place, emphasize that the victims shouldn't have visited their abusers.
RELIGIOUS, PEOPLE. Incapable of reasoning or logic. To be looked down on by atheists and non-religious lots.
RESPECT. “With all due respect.” Said before disrespecting someone, better if they're elderly.
ROMEO AND JULIET. Greatest lovers of all time. Do not know who they are, but cite them in song lyrics.
S.
SAINT. Anyone who died old with relatives to throw a party in their honour.
SARS. Special Anti-Robbery Squad. Prevents robbery by extorting, defiling, blackmailing, kidnapping, and framing up innocent youths.
SCHIZOPHRENIA. See PSYCHOSIS.
SCHOOLS. To be shut down during a lockdown. Campaign grounds, market places, and religious centres are to be opened.
SCUM. Men are scum.
SINNER. Anyone who doesn’t practice your religion the way you do or doesn't practice it at all.
SKIN. To be bleached if dark.
SNAKE. See MONKEY.
SHAKESPEARE. Opine that he's the greatest writer of all time. Never should you have read any of his books.
SOCIAL MEDIA. Only Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
SOUTHERNERS. All are Igbos save the Yorubas in the South-West.
SOYINKA. Invented his own type of English. Opine that his books are unreadable. Under no circumstances should you have read any. Opine, too, that he wrote for the European gaze.
SPERM. Heals pimples.
T.
TALENT. A creative ability Satan has put in you so that you won’t have time to serve God. See ESU.
TWITTER. People not on Twitter are backward.
U.
URGENT. Every 2k you ask for must be urgent.
USA. The new Sodom and Gomorrah.
V.
VILLAGE PEOPLE. Responsible for all things evil in your life.
VIRGIN. You'd fuck them in heaven if you killed on behalf of the all-powerful God.
VIRGINITY. Dignity.
W.
WRITERS. Only Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka, and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
WITCHCRAFT. A good thing except in Africa. All technologies were invented by European and Asian witches.
